


Down to Earth

by AllenbysEyes



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Episode s05e29-32 Change Your Mind, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Vaguely Canon-compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-03
Updated: 2019-07-03
Packaged: 2020-06-03 02:28:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19454449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllenbysEyes/pseuds/AllenbysEyes
Summary: Connie notices that something is off about Pearl after returning to Earth. She helps her mentor try and process the feelings created from her return to Homeworld.





	Down to Earth

**Author's Note:**

  * For [PearlDefiance](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PearlDefiance/gifts).



> Hello! This is a quick idea for a story I came up with for a friend. Hope that you all enjoy it!

Connie hadn't spent much time with Pearl since returning to Earth.

She'd spent the past few weeks trying to process everything that happened...the trip to Homeworld, the time in the Diamonds' court, her and Steven's imprisonment for fusing and the whole chaotic, traumatic battle against White Diamond. It was thrilling and horrifying and finally exhilarating, as Steven finally asserted his own identity in the face of White's omnipotent obliviousness. And, it seemed, the Crystal Gems and the Diamonds had finally buried the hatchet. 

Everything, finally, seemed right.

But Connie had learned through her time with the Gems that nothing...just ended. There was always fallout, and aftereffects, no matter how happy things appeared to be. The unanswered questions and memories...and the nightmares she'd had since coming back...were proof of that. 

And today, as she trained with Pearl for the first time since returning home...she could see her mentor was experiencing the same thing. 

It didn't impact the Holopearls, of course. They were as fast and nimble and unemotive as ever. Connie had a few flashes of Pearl, possessed by White Diamond, attacking her with her spear, throughout their fight, which made her miss a few steps, here and there. But she kept looking to Pearl, reassuring herself that that was in the past, that was over with, and it reassured her enough to get through it. 

But in another way, it didn't reassure her at all. 

Because Pearl didn't seem engaged the way she usually was. She stared at Connie and the Holopearl blankly, not really paying attention. Her eyes seemed to be elsewhere. Her expression was...haunted. 

And Connie could guess what was wrong. 

She looked away just a moment too long, and she felt the Holopearl knock the sword from her hand. She looked up and saw the translucent face with glowing red eyes, spear bearing down on her, and screamed. 

Before it could land a blow, a spear flew through the air over Connie's head. It passed through the Holopearl's chest; the image blinked, the voice shrieked and it vanished in a poof. 

Connie stared for a moment, panting heavily, feeling uncommonly stressed about what happened. She bent down to grab her sword.

"Connie! How could you let your guard down like that!"

Connie flinched, hearing an angry tone in Pearl's voice that she hadn't heard in a long time. She looked over and saw Pearl's face contorted into a mix of anger and horror as she tucked her spear into her gem. 

"I'm...sorry, ma'am," she said instinctively, standing up with sword in hand. 

"You know better than to lose your attention like that," Pearl said, her voice angry, almost hysterical. "I'd expect that kind of carelessness from someone just starting out, not someone who just went toe-to-toe with the Diamonds!"

"Pearl, I'm sorry," Connie repeated, cautiously using her name. 

But Pearl was too far in her own head to stop. 

"Imagine coming this far and...and you're almost killed by a _hologram_!"

Connie was confused and worried, now. This response was completely disproportionate, and completely unlike Pearl. 

"Pearl, what did I do wrong? I'm sorry I messed up, but...it happens." 

"It shouldn't happen to you," Pearl growled. 

"Well, it did," Connie said. She took a deep breath, feeling bad that she couldn't really answer her mentor's heckles. 

"Pearl, I'm sorry, I...I guess I'm not completely here today," she admitted. 

"If your mind isn't one hundred percent on what you're doing..."

"Oh, you're one to talk," Connie grumbled. 

"What does that mean?"

"It means," Connie said, "you were barely paying attention to what's happened. That's why I was distracted. I was worried about you" 

"Well...I appreciate it," Pearl responded, after thinking about it a moment. "But you know you can't worry about me when you're facing an enemy."

Pearl tried to even out her voice a little, crossed her arms in annoyance. She almost seemed back to normal.

"Pearl...it's just a hologram," Connie said. 

She regretted those words the instant they came out of her mouth. 

"A hologram that's armed with a spear and programmed with my skills isn't just a hologram," Pearl said. "You know very well it can hurt you, or worse..."

"Pearl, I'm sorry," she said, yet again. She decided to try and take control of the conversation. 

"Look, I messed up, okay? I lost my focus for a second. I understand I should do better, but..."

She sighed and walked up to her mentor, who still wasn't looking at her.

"Pearl, what's wrong?"

She laid a hand on her mentor's shoulder. And looked expectantly at Pearl, waiting for a response.

But she kept staring into space. Not scared, anymore. Not sad, really. Not even angry. Just...blank.

Which disturbed her more than the yelling. 

Because it reminded her of the last time she'd seen Pearl staring blankly...

Finally, Pearl pushed Connie's hand away. This time, she looked down at the ground and sighed.

"Connie...I'm sorry."

"It's all right, Pearl."

"No, it's not..." Pearl kept her arms crossed in front of her chest.

Connie waited, not sure what to do or say. She stared nervously, unconsciously tapping her sword against her leg. She watched Pearl look into space again, her eyes glazing over, yet again. 

She really wanted to scream at Pearl, to tell her to say something. But she thought better of it. Because she suspected what was going on. 

She didn't realize why it had taken her so long to figure it out. 

The two stood next to each other, not speaking or communicating, for a moment that seemed eternal.

"You're thinking about Homeworld," Connie said, gently. Someone had to break the silence.

Pearl shivered as she heard the words. Connie regretted bringing it up.

"You know, Connie..." Pearl began, skittishly. "I hadn't been on Homeworld for 6,000 years. Not since the Rebellion. Really, before the Rebellion...I spent so much of that time on the Moon Base with..."

Her hand started creeping towards her mouth, so she said "Rose" and it fell back to her waist.

"...You don't really appreciate what it's like. I mean, you were there as Steven's guest. What it's really like to be a Pearl...it's not pretty. You can't have thoughts of your own. You're not allowed any private life, any free time. You can't speak unless you're spoken to. You don't have any autonomy. You exist purely at the whim of your master. That's your life.

"And in court...it's worse. Because you're there. As an object. Not contributing anything, of course, because that's not a Pearl's place. Not just a servant, either but someone...something for the other Gems to stare at. To admire and covet and... _lust_ after you."

And she shivered at her own words, with a revulsion that conjured horrifying images in Connie's mind.

"And being there brought all those memories back," Connie said.

Pearl shook her head. "It wasn't...just that. It was that...I fell back into it so _easily_. I didn't want to, it just sort of happened."

"But you were only trying to help Steven," Connie said. "You weren't doing it because you wanted to." 

"Yes, I played the role for Steven's sake, but..." Another burst of silence again. This time, Pearl's eyes started to water. She went from crossing her arms to hugging herself, bracing her jacket against a shiver of terror.

Of revulsion.

"It felt like I was becoming my old self again," she said. "Like...all those years trying to act and think for myself...meant nothing. Because I was back on Homeworld. And nothing had changed, in all that time. I was back being a d-diamond's Pearl again."

"But...Pearl," Connie said, sympathetically. "None of that...was your fault. It was..."

She almost said, _it was Steven's_.

But that would sound wrong. Because she knew Steven hadn't done it maliciously, might not even have been aware that it was happening. Because as empathetic as her friend was, he was too much caught up in the act of playing a Diamond at the time to think much about Pearl. 

Besides, if she put it that way, who knew how Pearl would react?

Pearl seemed to understand what was going through Connie's head. For the first time in several minutes, she looked at Connie, though the wistful look remained on her face. 

"It wasn't _anyone_ 's fault," Pearl said diplomatically. "It had to happen the way it did. Garnet told me there wasn't any way of avoiding what happened..."

"But it still happened," Connie said, as empathetically as she could. She didn't want Pearl to stop talking now. 

Pearl nodded reluctantly. 

"I forgot how much Earth mattered to Rose. And why. How different it was. And how close everything came to..."

She looked at Connie, and smiled briefly, then looked back at the stars.

"You know...for 6,000 years, I lived here. And I fought for Earth. Fought alongside Gems, and humans alike. Met more humans than I care to remember. And yet...I never really cared about humans until..."

She paused again, before putting a hand on Connie's shoulder.

"Until I met you."

The words surprised Connie. She looked at Pearl quizzically, a mixture of pride and confusion welling up in her chest.

"Oh, there's Steven, but...I never really considered him human. He was Rose's son, and half-gem, so...I never thought he was...that way. And Greg...well, you can imagine how I felt about _him_ for so long.

"But I always thought of humans as kind of...I don't know. I'm ashamed to say it, now. As a nuisance. A pest. More like...I guess, you know how you humans keep other animals as pets, and kind of treat them like...something silly, something amusing, but not really...Not your equals. Not something with its own thoughts or, you know..." 

Connie wasn't flattered by the comparison, but she nodded along, even as she blushed. 

"But when I started training you...I mean, you know, at first you were Steven's friend. And that was enough, but I didn't feel I needed to know you. But then I saw how eager you were to train with us, and...it piqued my curiosity. But working with you...it was a revelation."

Connie felt Pearl squeezing her tighter, and squeezed her hand back. She suddenly felt overwhelmed with emotion that she didn't know how to express. 

"Not only were you Steven's friend...not only did you learn how to master a sword. You wanted to learn from me. You cared about Gems, didn't just think we were some curiosity or some freaks with powers. You treated me...treated _us_ like we mattered. And that was something else...

"Because...that's another thing. A big reason I never connected with humans before is that they'd always treated Rose, and the rest of us like we were...Gods. Or something like that. Superior to them. Just, a mixture of awe and terror and curiosity. Never someone who actually wanted to understand us, or spend time with us, or..."

"So it was a two-way street."

"Well...maybe. But the problem was mostly one-way," Pearl admitted.

"And since then," she continued, "well...I've been able to...see humans in a different light. Been able to meet humans and spend time with them and enjoy it. Just being with people! Not just you and Steven and Greg...It's been nice, nicer even than I would have thought..."

She trailed off and stared again, this time knowingly, smiling at something, like a joke that she didn't let Connie in on. She fidgeted with her hands, like Connie had seen Pearl do in the past when she was talking about Rose.

"I have a _lot_ to thank you for," Pearl said finally. 

"Pearl," Connie said, blushing furiously. 

Pearl sighed. "But now...it's just been...Now that I'm back, even though everything's been resolved, it's just...I still think about Homeworld. Because it makes me wonder...how much I've changed. I mean, really changed. I can do different things, I guess, but deep down, I'm still...I'm still a Pearl."

She said that word with a self-loathing that surprised Connie. Because the Pearl she'd known was a strong, tough, loyal person she'd always admired and respected. Whose approval matter more to her than anyone else's, maybe even her parents. Whom she'd come to consider a mentor, perhaps even a friend. 

"Well...I don't really know about Pearls," Connie admitted. "I mean, I only spent a little time with those other Pearls on Homeworld...But I know **Pearl**. And Pearl is Steven's Mom. Pearl is the Gem who taught me how to sword fight. Who showed me that's she not afraid of anything, and won't let anyone push her around. Who helped me become a better person, and come out of my shell, and realize that you can overcome being afraid through will and hard work and determination and trust. Who fused in front of the Diamonds' whole court without a moment's hesitation! Who charged a Diamond with a spear!

"Would someone who was _just a Pearl_ do all that?" Connie demanded. "Would one of those other Pearls have ever even thought to do that? Does a Pearl bring out the best in everyone she knows? Is a Pearl...is a Pearl perfect on Earth?" 

Pearl had no answer to her questions, except a smile. Which made Connie feel a little better herself. 

A tear ran down Pearl's face as she thought about Connie's words.

"It's just...hard sometimes," Pearl said. "Because...you're right. You can do all of those things. And, if it's not too conceited to say so, a lot of them are quite incredible. But...the thoughts are still there. They're a part of me. They don't just go away by wishing them, or working through them, or even by doing things....

"And sometimes...it's hard to handle that." Her voice grew really quiet. "All you need is a small mistake, an added stressor, even a small, unguarded moment, and they're back. And they consume you. And you're back on Homeworld in a frilly dress with nothing to look forward to but your Diamond's next order. And in that moment, everything you've done...Everything you've accomplished...means nothing."

Connie considered her words carefully. Because she knew this wasn't something that a simple word, however well-chosen, could dissolve it completely. 

Pearl was right. Mental illness, trauma, it didn't work that way. Not in humans, and not in Gems, either.

"Well...There's nothing wrong with having those thoughts," Connie began. "You can't help having them. You can't just pretend that everything you've experienced...every thought that goes through your head...that it doesn't matter. It's all right to feel down, sometimes. I mean, ***I*** feel that way sometimes."

"Really? You always seem so eager, so excited."

"When I'm here, yes!" Connie affirmed. "But...when I'm away from here...I worry about Steven, and you, and Garnet and Amethyst...and my parents...and school. There's so much stress. And I'm only twelve! I can't imagine what's going on with someone who's been around for 6,000 years!

"So, there's no way I'm going to judge you, or it against you for having those thoughts. It doesn't make you any less strong. Or any less awesome. Or any less worthy of a person. It's just...part of who you are."

Pearl nodded and smiled sadly. But Connie could tell there were still flickers of doubt in her mind.

"I remember having so many doubts over my life," Connie continued. "It took me so long just to get the confidence to talk to people, and you and Steven...certainly helped. But even now, it's hard not to think...What if the Gems get hurt on one of their missions? What if Steven gets killed? What if I'm not good enough? What can I really contribute on these missions, as a human?"

"Oh, Connie..."

"I mean, you guys will be around centuries, millennia even after I'm gone! All I have is a few decades to try and make a difference. And my threshold for pain and destruction is so much lower! I'm just an organic life form, and it would be so easy for me to be destroyed."

"Connie, that's never stopped you..." Pearl tried to reassure her. But Connie was on a roll, and Pearl couldn't stop her now. 

"But it's always _there_ , always in the back of my head. A voice, a doubt telling me that, you know, no matter how much you achieve, you're not good enough. Just look around you...you're not a Gem. You're not even Steven. Even when you're Stevonnie...it's not the same. And you think..."

She was a little surprised at herself. Usually, Connie was the one who worried, _she_ was the one who needed reassurance. But then, she'd never really thought of Pearl as vulnerable before, either. This required a different approach.

"And yet... _I've done it_. I have these bad thoughts. I have these doubts and fears and...I still managed to get through everything. I mastered swordfighting. I've fought corrupted Gems and stood up to Jasper. I survived a trip to Homeworld! Even though I feel depressed, and anxious, and worry about my shortcomings...when I'm doing all those amazing things, it doesn't matter. Even though I'm just a human...with all my fears and problems...I did it.

"And if I can do it," Connie said quietly, looking Pearl in the eyes..."So can you." 

Pearl didn't know what to say. So she just wrapped her arms around Connie, gently pressing her close.

"Thanks, Connie," Pearl said. 

"Thanks for being Pearl," Connie replied. 

"It's nice to be reminded of what matters," Pearl admitted. "It's just...when you're on Homeworld, it's hard to remember. It's hard to be content."

"Well..." Connie said, taking a beat. "We're on Earth, now."

Pearl considered this for a moment, thoughtfully. Then grabbed Connie's hand and spun her around.

"Come on," Pearl said, wiping the tears from her face and standing up straight.

"You've worked very hard today," she continued, adopting her pedagogical tone. "Let's go back to the Temple and I'll make you a snack."

"Yes, ma'am," Connie said, smiling enthusiastically. 

The two exited the Sky Arena, reminded of what really mattered. 


End file.
